You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
