1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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