I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
