I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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