i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
