I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
