Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
