She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
