you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
