can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
