I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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