I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
