Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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