i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
