He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
