He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
