woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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