What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
