Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
