There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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