Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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