Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
