You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
