i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
