I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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