Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
