i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
