he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
