so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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