I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
