someone get that fucking seahorse.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
