i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My feet surprised me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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