it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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