I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize