When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Barsexuality is the new black.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
