well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
