God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Randomize
