I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
