I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
