i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
