If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
