Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
