her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
