Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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