Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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