Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My liver is preforming stress tests.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
