I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
