i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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