I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
