Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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