My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
