i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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