How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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