Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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