I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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