your parents love me but you hate me
need another drink. this is the easiest way
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
