Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
