I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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