He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
