remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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