I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
